I’m so anxious… all the time… and scared and sad and just not right.

Will it ever be okay again? Will I ever be able to let go of the past and find peace with everything that is now, in contrast to everything I let myself lose?

Will I ever be able to stop what-ifing?

Will I ever feel at peace with my own existence, or feel a connection to anything – any culture, place, community, goal, dream, anything? Every time I travel I’m reminded of the fact that nowhere in the world feels comfortable to me, except the one stupid, random place I live that’s become familiar simply through time. Am I just going to feel like a loner and a drifter forever? Will I ever be able to stop looking at a sign, reading a book, seeing a play, talking to someone, watching a movie, and thinking, “this is The Rest of the World and I am me and I will never feel a connection to this, never fully relate to this, never feel a part of this or anything else, never feel like I belong anywhere.”

Will I ever feel like I have a safe, secure place again? Should I just give up on that because Life Is Unpredictable And Change Is Inevitable?

I’m so exhausted living every day in the fear that someday, suddenly, I’m going to lose it all.