Tag: thoughts

D

I’m so anxious… all the time… and scared and sad and just not right.

Will it ever be okay again? Will I ever be able to let go of the past and find peace with everything that is now, in contrast to everything I let myself lose?

Will I ever be able to stop what-ifing?

Will I ever feel at peace with my own existence, or feel a connection to anything – any culture, place, community, goal, dream, anything? Every time I travel I’m reminded of the fact that nowhere in the world feels comfortable to me, except the one stupid, random place I live that’s become familiar simply through time. Am I just going to feel like a loner and a drifter forever? Will I ever be able to stop looking at a sign, reading a book, seeing a play, talking to someone, watching a movie, and thinking, “this is The Rest of the World and I am me and I will never feel a connection to this, never fully relate to this, never feel a part of this or anything else, never feel like I belong anywhere.”

Will I ever feel like I have a safe, secure place again? Should I just give up on that because Life Is Unpredictable And Change Is Inevitable?

I’m so exhausted living every day in the fear that someday, suddenly, I’m going to lose it all.

D

Like. I recognize that there are some really great people in the world. When I say “everyone’s stupid” I’m obviously exaggerating. Some people are extraordinary. Some people check off all my morality requirements, yet I still can’t seem to connect with them.

Honestly, I’m just… jealous of people who care about existence. Who are so passionate about issues that matter that they dedicate their life to teaching, or science, or volunteering, or some other form of service. I wish I cared that much, but in my mind I’m just thinking “we should probably let humanity die out because we’re a fucking plague.”

Embarrassingly, I’m most jealous of people who are passionate about meaningless shit like careers – because I know they’ll probably end up rich, and I’m shallow. Plus the thought that someone could actually get satisfaction from capitalistic slavery makes me insanely envious because I fucking hate every minute of work. Maybe I wouldn’t hate it if I were back in nonprofit, but there are no jobs in nonprofit for writers, I hate interacting with people, and I’d earn half of what I make now, if that. And as established… I’m shallow.

So instead I just donate to charities and hope that earns me a place in metaphorical heaven?

…anyway happy Monday, I’m trash.

D

As a writer, I’ve always been embarrassed to admit I don’t read much. I just… don’t usually enjoy it. With some exceptions like Harry Potter and a few others I couldn’t put down, I just don’t often… get into books. I’ve connected with some great non-fiction texts about veganism, atheism, philosophy… and in the past few years I’ve loved listening to lecture series on Audible. My commute is my “reading” time.

But fiction… I never make much of an effort. And it wasn’t until so much later that I realized why.

Every fucking piece of fiction out there is dully heteronormative. And I will never be able to see myself in heteronormative characters, no matter how ~deep or ~complex they are. No matter how ~classic or worshipped the text may be. I’ve come away from some of the most famous books in the world thinking, really? That’s what the fuss was about?

Even the few great lesbian books I’ve read, I haven’t really connected with the characters beyond their sexual orientations. Their personalities never really seemed close to mine.

And that’s… fine, whatever. At least they were gay.

In the end, most books are just another reminder that I don’t really connect with… anyone.

D

Like. I’m not the way I seem here.

I tip 25% minimum, everywhere, no exceptions.

I put the shopping carts back.

I park in the lines.

I use my turn signal.

I recycle and I don’t litter.

I listen to others talk endlessly about themselves without trying to turn it back to me.

I despise being around children, but I’m friendly to them, and would protect them fiercely if anyone tried to hurt them.

I’m kind to cashiers and servers.

I’m kind to everyone, even those who utterly conflict with my values.

I’ve never sent someone a hateful anonymous message. I’ve never threatened anyone.

My coworkers describe me as kind and helpful.

I pick up worms and other bugs on leaves and help them to the grass so they don’t burn to death on the concrete.

I’m a good partner, a good daughter, and I donate to multiple charities throughout the year.

I don’t yell, I don’t fight dirty, I’ve never thrown a punch, I don’t even think I’ve ever called anyone a name to their face.

I smile whenever I can (usually fake), because who knows if the other person’s day might be worse?

The point of this isn’t to imply I’m a saint; far from it. I’ve got more than my share of faults; especially in my younger years I’ve been a bad friend and a bad ex and a very flawed partner. But I’m not a fucking bitch who goes around yelling and pitching fits because I hate the world. All that is internalized. Yet what must I look like to those on the outside, seeing me only through this blog? I must look like I can’t control my temper, like I’ve never been nice to anyone because of my constant judgment.

The problem with the Internet is that we see people exactly as they are: from one exceptionally narrow angle – and no more.

What we see of them is real, but we don’t see all of them. Not even most. We see a sliver – the sliver they’re willing to show, the sliver that escapes the safety of their keyboard.

Imagine if we had all met our partners on the worst day of their lives, or at their general worst, in rotten moods and angry at the world. Would we have ever given them a second look, a word, a date?

What we see online – or even in a real-life moment – is the tiniest fraction of that person. Let us not forget that each of us is a human being. Each of us has a face, a beating heart, a psyche full of pain and insecurities and fears. An imperfect body. Dreams. Desires.

I’m not implying anything ridiculous like “abusers deserve another chance!” – or, more relevant, that trans cultists deserve our acceptance and support because they’re just so super self-hating and sad – but when it comes to non-abusive human behavior… perhaps we shouldn’t be so quick to judge.

The moment we forget that the person on the other end of the screen is human, is the moment we lose our own humanity.

Yet still, even knowing that, dealing with the current culture of misogyny that I’ve chosen to engage in, makes doing this close to impossible. I recognize fully well that trans cultists are deeply mentally disturbed, have likely been abused in some way, are suffering from intense self-hatred, low self-esteem, horrible self image, and extreme cases of narcissism, all projected onto non-submissive women – all behaviors and mindsets in desperate need of extensive psychotherapeutic treatment. I recognize this. And I do genuinely feel for them. But, perhaps because I am only human myself, I also feel an intense, burning hatred for them because of their abusive treatment of women, their outrageous sense of entitlement, and their utterly irrational, brainwashing lunacy. I think, honestly, what it is, is the fact that they have managed (at least for now) to sway so many liberal sheep to their monumentally horrible ideology – and this only serves to remind me of how stupid and ordinary and pathetic nearly all of humanity is. It reminds me that I am stuck here with these idiots who represent my species – and this only amplifies my lifelong struggle of trying to patiently exist alongside a world full of fucking morons – and that these morons are the ones making policy, dictating the rules for my life. These are the ones in charge of my freedom, my opportunities, and ultimately, my quality of life.

And the idea of this is so intensely angering that I can barely cope.

In a way, it’s even worse to think about carnists – and theists. Carnists are around 99% of the world’s population. They have all the power. They represent humanity. They control our future. Their behavior is considered 100% normal and acceptable in human society. While I have to sit here, silently, knowing how horribly, violently wrong they are – knowing most of them don’t even care.

The world is run by power-hungry monsters and ignorant imbeciles (these two do not often preclude one another). It’s a fact. And we have no control. And that is the biggest source of my anxiety.

How do we do it? How do we keep going, day after day, knowing the truth about our world? Knowing how fucking stupid everyone is, and how unlikely it is that we’ll ever see a significant change?

Is it enough to breathe in, breathe out, accept, repeat?

Is it?

D

I went to a yoga class tonight, and although some aspects were a bit too silly-yogi-spiritual for my liking, the instructor had some interesting things to say about time – how our relationship with it is so negative, and how that harms us.

We want to slow it down. Speed it up. Reverse it. We want more of it, we never have enough.

In reality, time is a gift. Every moment. And when she said that, I thought of an analogy: when someone gives us a gift, we are appreciative of it in that moment. We’re never thinking, when will the next gift come? We’re not comparing it to past gifts or future gifts. We’re not wishing for more gifts. We’re just grateful.

Imagine if we can approach the moments of our lives in this same way…

D

I know this sounds snobby but like

I honestly feel bad for straight girls

like

a) they don’t know what they’re missing and

b) out of every single man I’ve met in my entire life, B is like 100x better than all of them so I’m pretty sure I got the last good one. Like maybe there are 5-10 others in the world but probably half of those are gay and surely none are as adorable and weird. (see also: photo, previous post)

That was my random thought, carry on. But ladies, please please please never settle. It’s better to spend your life with friends and cats than a sub-par man.

D

Observation: the trans activist agenda is succeeding not only because everyone is still wired to enforce gender roles and sexism, but because heteronormative society, who largely controls liberal culture, has had it drilled into them for decades that we have to Accept People As They Are And Celebrate Diversity, and the social punishment for NOT doing this has (rightfully so) become so ostracizing and marginalizing that, for added insurance, the implicit mantra has evolved into Accept Everything Without Question. Performing generic acceptance behavior has become much less risky than questioning or disagreeing.

I see this as an unfortunate and dangerous side effect of the gay rights movement’s success. Most of liberal society has a laissez-faire mindset, which means they aren’t invested enough to question, yet still desperately want to avoid being labeled a bigot or conservative, because to put it simply, conservatives aren’t cool. So they’ve become mindless yes-men for individualistic choice liberalism, regardless of whether it’s a hit or miss: you’re gay? GREAT we accept you as you are! That’s what we do now! Questioning that got us labeled homophobic and that’s not a cool word, that’s a word for out-of-touch grandpas and rednecks. You wanna sell your body on the street? YES whatever you choose! All choices are empowering! Wanna cover your entire body to honor a patriarchal deity because a pedophile prophet said so? DO IT! Hashtag cultural diversity! You’re a woman because you say so? Yes! Go you, what bravery!

I honestly think many if not most liberals are a bunch of fucking phonies. I don’t think most of them are truly, deep down, non-racist, or pro-women’s lib, or 100% supportive of gays, or care about poor people. I think much of modern liberalism is an act of denial and avoidance, a “thoughts and prayers” approach to social issues, a way to sound like you give a shit without doing anything, a blanket label that people adopt to look like “the nice guy.”

(And if a guy has to insist that he’s “nice”… well, you know.)

I’m not implying they’re all ill-willed. I’m just implying that… most people don’t think very deeply or critically about much of anything, and that’s the root of most sociopolitical problems.

But back to my point, I think things like homophobia got people in enough trouble that now everyone’s afraid to say no to ANYTHING. No questioning allowed. No critical analysis. Yes to all, include everything, exclude nothing, blur every line, turn a blind eye, it’s all good.

It’s all good.

D

Sometimes… it’s just… overwhelming… that nearly everyone on this planet is a mindless idiot.

I mean. Nothing personal. But. Between the selfish breeding and the sexism and the religion and the meat-eating and the gender roles and the capitalism and just. Almost no one… seems to notice… how bad it is? And like… it’s so bad. Everywhere. There are tiny subtle Bads and big obvious Bads and lots of in between but even the big ones, people hardly notice, or choose to ignore.

I mean, I’m not fucking perfect. I could do better. I could start composting everything and only shop at thrift stores and buy a tiny little eco house and quit my job and get rid of my car and ride a bike and all that shit. And I don’t, because I like my world-escaping comforts. A lot.

But like… there’s so much more to it than that. And… everyone else just seems… braindead. It feels like I’m the only conscious mind in a virtual simulation. That’s how it feels… day to day, once I leave my house. Like I’m the only one who’s alive.

D

Traveling has this strange effect of taking some of the mystery out of the world.

When we look at photos or videos of exotic places, architecture, foreign cultures, natural phenomena… it’s all in isolation. It’s through a lens, without context. When you experience it firsthand, everything changes. The Mona Lisa is tiny and surrounded by a mosh pit of study-abroaders with selfie sticks. Some Caribbean beaches really are that electrifyingly turquoise, but a stone’s throw away from the all-inclusive resort are sprawling miles of slums.

Everything is different in context.

And the more you see, the more you start to realize… it’s all the fucking same. The world is more or less the same, everywhere. Everywhere you go, everyone is struggling. Most people don’t have the resources to live a full, satisfying life. Sexism and misogyny and gender roles and unbearably dull heteronormativity saturate every nook, cranny, and crevice of the globe – not a single culture immune. Everywhere, women are secondary. Everywhere, children are born and grow up in poverty, likely to repeat the cycle as adults. Everywhere, animals are tortured for consumption (and only in rare cases is it out of necessity). Everywhere, capitalism (or worse) ensures inequality. Everywhere, there are patriarchal politicians dictating the fates of their communities.

Life, the world, existence – it isn’t inherently good with some bad sprinkled in – like you thought as a child. It’s mostly… neutral at best, a nightmare at worst.

It makes it harder and harder to believe in anything magical.

I always say the only thing I really want to see before I die is the discovery of extraterrestrial life. I think I just want to believe really, really badly that there could be a world out there better than ours.