Month: August 2018

D

I feel like houseplants are the final level of adulting that I can’t beat… like there is no consensus anywhere on how to succeed, for instance

Website 1: “brown leaves are a sign of under watering”

Website 2: “brown leaves are a sign of over watering”

Website 3: “Plantodilius plantum is popular bc it’s easy to care for”

Website 4: “Plantodilius plantum is super finicky and needs special growing conditions”

Website 5: “Deathus plantus will murder any cat who breathes near it”

Website 6: “Deathus plantus might make your cat a little pukey if they eat the entire trunk”

D

I really, really need to get out of corporate.

what if I could do something else? What if I could flip houses or

there’s gotta be something I could do where I can have my own schedule, not talk to people, and make a little money.

or maybe not, otherwise everyone would be doing it…

but they suck you in with benefits and 401k and flex scheduling and it’s not like your 20s where those things don’t seem to matter… when you’re 35 they fucking matter.

so I’ll just keep breathing I guess.

D

I’m so tired of spending my life debating whether to end it

D

I’m so anxious… all the time… and scared and sad and just not right.

Will it ever be okay again? Will I ever be able to let go of the past and find peace with everything that is now, in contrast to everything I let myself lose?

Will I ever be able to stop what-ifing?

Will I ever feel at peace with my own existence, or feel a connection to anything – any culture, place, community, goal, dream, anything? Every time I travel I’m reminded of the fact that nowhere in the world feels comfortable to me, except the one stupid, random place I live that’s become familiar simply through time. Am I just going to feel like a loner and a drifter forever? Will I ever be able to stop looking at a sign, reading a book, seeing a play, talking to someone, watching a movie, and thinking, “this is The Rest of the World and I am me and I will never feel a connection to this, never fully relate to this, never feel a part of this or anything else, never feel like I belong anywhere.”

Will I ever feel like I have a safe, secure place again? Should I just give up on that because Life Is Unpredictable And Change Is Inevitable?

I’m so exhausted living every day in the fear that someday, suddenly, I’m going to lose it all.